A Reflection on a love that once cut so deep

Brought out one of my old writings. I miss the rawness of my feelings. Lately I find myself caught up between writing for "perfection" and writing from the depth of my soul. Because that's what writing really is a for me, an ajar window looking into my soul. 

A Reflection on a love that once cut so deep..

I despise you.  

Not because you hurt me but because you loved me.  

How do you learn to love someone so deeply and intentionally, as if you’d never loved before?  

How do you learn someone’s love language so fluently,  

as if you’d memorized every page of them before you met?  

That is the first reason I despise you.  

I despise you.  

How are you both my best and worst memory of love?  

And because memories fade, the best ones linger longest,  

making you this impossible perfection of love, personified.  

I despise you.  

Not because you withheld any affection from me  

but because you never withheld it.  

How did you make me feel like the single most important thing in the world?  

Not fighting for your attention. No question of belonging.  

And yet—  

I despise you.  

You didn’t fight for me a bit more.  

You never got to know me at my strength.  

You never received me at my best.  

And in the end, you didn’t protect me.  

So I despise you.  

Not because you were cruel,  

but because you were almost everything.  

And almost   

leaves the deepest wound.